


what am i supposed to do if there's no you

by spiritsontheroof



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz Angst, Evan Buckley is Loved, Fire, First Kiss, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, I cried writing this, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Outsider, Pre-Relationship, So much angst, Team as Family, Worried Eddie Diaz, almost all the dialogue is eddie, bobby is a good dad, buck begins speculation, but all thoughts are various members of the team, no beta we die like men, no major character death i promise, spoilers for episode: s04e05 Buck Begins in the form of speculation, this is purely self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29391474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiritsontheroof/pseuds/spiritsontheroof
Summary: “Buck, man, can you hear me?” Eddie’s voice crackles over the radio.Silence fills the air for a too-long beat before Bobby exhales a shaky breath and says, “Diaz, get out of there, now. That’s an order.”It had been an order when he told Eddie not to go back inside in the first place. Eddie’s on a rebellious streak tonight, Bobby thinks. Buck’s rubbing off on him.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 48
Kudos: 733





	1. letters addressed to the fire

**Author's Note:**

> hello this absolutely ripped my heart out when i was writing it but the idea came and i could not stop thinking about it. it's so very sad okay like i cried when i wrote it

_“Buck, man, can you hear me?”_ Eddie’s voice crackles over the radio.

Silence fills the air for a too-long beat before Bobby exhales a shaky breath and says, “Diaz, get out of there, now. That’s an order.”

It had been an order when he told Eddie not to go back inside in the first place. _Eddie’s on a rebellious streak tonight_ , Bobby thinks. Buck’s rubbing off on him. 

Chimney looks over at Hen to find she’s already looking at him. _No way is he leaving without Buck,_ Hen’s eyes say. Chim nods his agreement. No man left behind, that’s part of the oath they took to their team. Eddie and Buck take it very seriously. 

They hear the click of a live radio again and Eddie’s heavy breathing fills the channel. Chimney is all too aware of the roaring flames, the anxiety rising in his chest, the bile forcing up his throat. 

_“I’m coming for you, Buck. I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, I need you to know that. I’m not leaving you and you’re not leaving me. Together, or not at all. That’s what we said after the well, right? I’m holding you to that.”_ Eddie’s voice is cracking and Chim can’t tell if it’s because of interference or emotion. 

Chimney and Hen had tried to follow Eddie back inside, but Bobby had fixed them with a stern look and said they had patients to tend to, and two more to prep for. 

Bobby is staring at the engulfed warehouse with wide eyes, flinching everytime the structure creaks or moans. His hand trembles where it grips his radio tightly. _You’re going to lose more family,_ he thinks to himself. _You lose Marcie, and Brooke, and Robert, and now two more of your boys are in there._ Buck and Eddie, always in the middle of everything. The flames, the smoke, the danger. Bobby hates that he wasn’t more braced for a situation like this one, but he doesn’t know that anything would have prepared him for it. 

_“I really hope you’re okay. I don’t know that I can handle it if you’re not. I thought, you know, after the tsunami and everything, that I’d gotten used to the idea of losing you. I’d convinced myself that if something every happened, I could cope. But apparently, I was lying to myself. I haven’t even lost you yet and I already miss you. I miss you like I’d miss a limb.”_

Hen feels Chimney reach out for her and she takes his hand in hers, squeezing so hard it’s a wonder she doesn’t break his fingers. Chimney is the Eddie to Hen’s Buck. He’s calm, cool, collected under pressure. Hen is the hothead, ready to pop off at a moment’s notice, thinking with her heart more often than she should. Chimney is her rock at work, her best friend, her partner in crime. The only person in the world she trusts almost as much as she trusts Karen. She wants to be mad at Eddie for going back in, endangering his life instead of giving Bobby just a minute to come up with a plan. But Hen knows, not that deep down, that if it had been Chimney in there instead of Buck, she’d have done the same thing. She’s pulled from her thoughts by Eddie’s voice ringing in her radio, and she can’t help the way her chest aches. Eddie’s in so much pain, she can hear it, and it cracks her chest open like glass.

_“You’re my best friend, man. I should have told you that. I should have told you that you’re important to me, that you’re important to Christopher. I should have told you that I can’t do this without my partner,” his voice shatters on the last word and the radio cuts out in the middle of a sob._

_“I should have told you that you belong. With the 118, with me. That as long as I’m breathing, you have a family. I should have told you that every part of my heart that doesn’t belong to Christopher belongs to you.”_

Chimney hates this. He hates that Eddie’s saying this on the radio because he doesn’t think Buck will be alive to hear him when Eddie finds him. He hates that Buck may have died thinking he wasn’t loved, cared for, that he didn’t belong. There’s tears falling down his cheeks. He’s losing it, falling apart with every passing second. Eddie’s been in there too long, and so has Buck. The only way in had been on the far side of the building, the farthest it could be from Buck, and that’s what’s taking so long. Chimney can’t fall apart, not now. Buck and Eddie will be out soon, and Chimney has to switch off his emotions and be a paramedic. But, God, how can he do that? Buck is in there. _Buck._ His teammate, his friend, his brother. The kid he teases relentlessly, the boy who’s grown into a hell of a man. His future brother-in-law, the godfather of his baby girl. A part of his heart that is breaking away with every godforsaken second and trying to leave him for what seems like the thousandth time. He’s already lost one brother, and he doesn’t know if he can survive losing another. 

He knows Maddie can’t. 

_“There’s so much I should have told you when I had the chance. And you gave me so many chances. So many chances to say I love you. But I kept telling myself it had to be perfect, that the right moment would come. And I remember once that I told Chim he should tell Maddie how he feels before it was too late. I told him he wouldn’t have forever. And that advice worked out for him. I mean, hell, he’s about to be a father. But for some reason, I couldn’t take my own advice. I thought we had all the time in the world. I thought we had forever.”_

Eddie doesn’t even care that the whole team can hear him. Doesn’t care that Athena has probably clicked onto their channel, that some of the dispatchers may have tuned it. It doesn’t matter who hears him as long as there’s a chance that Buck might. Buck may be gone by the time Eddie gets to him, it might be too late, but it’s high time Eddie tells him everything he’s felt. Eddie needs to know that he said it, that Buck may have heard, and that if he loses Buck tonight, Buck will die knowing he was loved. 

_“I might be out of time. But I’m coming for you, and I’m not leaving here without you. But I just needed you to know that we love you. Bobby and Athena, Hen and Karen, Chimney and Maddie, they love you. Christopher loves you so much, man. And I love you more than I could ever say. You are so loved, Evan Buckley, and you better never forget it.”_

Maddie had tuned into the 118’s channel as soon as she’d seen they’d been dispatched to a five alarm fire. She’d heard Buck screaming for help, heard Bobby demanding that Eddie get out. She’s hearing Eddie pour his heart out for everyone to hear, just on the off chance Buck could be listening. It feels wrong, listening to a moment that was never meant to be heard by everyone, but she can’t turn the channel. She won’t be able to until she hears they’ve got Buck, that they’ve got her baby brother and that he’s okay. She’s praying silently, vaguely aware of Josh’s soothing hand on her shoulder as she shakes with sobs. She prays Buck’s okay, that Eddie can get to him in time, that she doesn’t have to grieve the loss of the only brother she still has. She wants her daughter to know her uncle. She wants to watch Buck hold her, and play with her, and be the gentle giant he’s always been. She wants to see his face when she tells him they’ve decided on a name, wants to tell him how proud she is of the man he’s become. She needs to tell him she loves him, that he can’t leave her, that she can’t keep going if she loses him. But saying that, even to herself, would make this too real. If she doesn’t say it, she can keep chalking this up to her worst nightmare. 

Hen keeps waiting to hear Eddie’s voice, but it doesn’t come. There’s a long silence, one that is probably only a couple minute but feels like hours. It’s hot out here, between the flames and the Los Angeles humidity, and they’re all waiting with baited breath. _Please,_ Hen prays to a higher power she never believed in before now. _Please don’t take him from us. Don’t take Buck._ He’s too young, too bright, too full of light and love and potential to go out like this. And Eddie. God, poor Eddie. He’s already lost his wife, already had to grieve the woman he loved, don’t make him lose Buck, too. 

Hen’s prayer is interrupted by the very words she’d been hoping for. 

_“I’ve got him! I’ve got Buck. He’s alive.”_


	2. in the cracks of light, i dreamed of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hen and Chim deem Buck battered and bruised but overall okay, good to go home with the promise he’ll go to the ER if he starts exhibited delayed symptoms of any serious injuries. 
> 
> By some miracle, his smoke inhalation was minimal, nothing to worry about, and Buck thinks someone or something must have been looking out for him tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in preparation for tonight, i went ahead and hurt my own feelings before i tied it all up at the end with some sweetness. a lot of people asked me for a second chapter so i tried my best to make this a good conclusion. title from both chapters is from evermore - taylor swift (fun fact: that album is all i've listened to since it dropped)

Hen and Chim deem Buck battered and bruised but overall okay, good to go home with the promise he’ll go to the ER if he starts exhibiting delayed symptoms of any serious injuries. 

By some miracle, his smoke inhalation was minimal, nothing to worry about, and Buck thinks someone or something must have been looking out for him tonight. 

“So, I can go home?” Buck asks hopefully back at the station, desperate to get out his uniform and into his bed. He’s happy to be alive, sure, but he’s exhausted, and he’s sad, and he just can’t be here right now. 

Bobby slaps him on the shoulder and squeezes. “You can go home,” he confirms, and then he turns to Eddie, who’s slouched on the bumper of the ambulance. “You, too, Diaz.” 

Eddie’s head snaps up. “Cap, my shift isn’t over for hours,” he argues, wincing as he pushes up from his seat. Chimney had checked him over, too, and save for some bruises, he’s okay. Buck’s more thankful for that than anything. 

“I know, but you had a tough call. So, go. Take Buck with you.” Bobby instructs in that _I care about you but also don’t argue with me_ tone of his. 

Eddie opens his mouth to push back, but decides against it. He sighs, visibly deflating, like annoyance and defiance had been the only things holding him up. “Alright, fine.” He mutters before dragging into the locker room to change. 

“Go with him,” Bobby says to Buck. “You both had a hell of a night.” 

“Cap,” Buck says warily. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Eddie’s not much for company after a bad shift.” 

“That’s an order, Buckley, and I better not see either of you tomorrow. Take a day, take care of each other. You’re both going to need it.”

Buck knows this is about Eddie’s speech on the radio as much as it’s about anything else. Bobby is being fatherly, hinting that they need to talk, Buck can see it in his eyes. So he doesn’t fight, just nods. “Whatever you say, Bobby.” 

Eddie comes out of the locker room, ash coating his hair despite fresh clothes. “Jeep or the truck?” 

“Truck. I’m way too tired to drive.” Buck says, yawning as though it was on cue. “Come on,” 

Eddie follows him out, exhaustion etched into his features. They load up silently, tossing their bags into the backseat. 

The only noise on the drive back is the low humming of the radio and Buck’s slight cough. Damn smoke. 

It’s Monday, which is Christopher’s weekly sleepover at Abuela’s, so there’s no reprieve from the silence when they get to Eddie’s either. Buck hates this. 

He hates when Eddie goes stoic and silent on him. Buck used to think it just meant Eddie was okay, that he was dealing in his own way and he had a grip on it. But that was three years, several injuries, and a fight club ago. Buck knows better now. 

The quiet lasts through two showers, reheated take out that Eddie barely touches, and Buck can’t take it anymore. “Are you okay?” 

Eddie nods too quickly. “Yeah, Buck, I’m good.” He’s lying through his teeth. 

“Right, so, what’s with the brooding silence?”

Eddie rolls his eyes and pushes his plate away. He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, meeting Buck’s eyes for the first time since they left the station. “I’m not brooding,” he says. 

“You totally are,” Buck argues. “Come on, Eddie, talk to me.”

Eddie shakes his head and stands up from his chair, gathering the dishes. “There’s nothing to talk about, Buck. I told you, I’m fine. I’m not the one who almost died tonight. I should be the one asking if you’re okay.” He says as he scrapes the uneaten food into the trash with more force than it necessary. _Yeah, he seems fine_ , Buck thinks. 

“I’m fine, Eddie. Tired, a little sore. And I have a ton to talk about in therapy now,” It’s a joke, but it falls flat. Eddie doesn’t even crack a smile. “Seriously, man. I’m okay. All thanks to you.” 

“You almost died. How are you just… like that? ‘I have a ton to talk about in therapy.’ You had another brush with death and you’re cracking jokes?” Eddie’s voice is strained as he talks and Buck can see how much he’s holding back. “You’re something else, man.” 

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” Buck says. “I didn’t mean to, Eds, you have to know that.”

“You were right behind me,” Eddie croaks, voice cracking on the last word. “Right behind me. What happened?”

Buck shakes his head. “I… I don’t know. I was carrying someone out, and there was an explosion, and then the smoke was so thick and I couldn’t see you and I couldn’t get out.” At least, that’s what he remembers. It all happened so fast. 

Eddie’s eyes have welled with tears now and his hands are shaking despite his white knuckled grip on the counter. He looks like he’s falling apart right in front of Buck, shattering onto the white kitchen tiles like broke glass. 

“Hey, Eddie, come here,” Buck says softly, moving from his chair to pull Eddie in for a hug. “I’m okay, man. You saved me. I was never worried, I knew you guys would get to me in time.” He soothes, rubbing his hand up and down Eddie’s spine. 

Eddie curls his fists into Buck’s shirt and holds him too tight for it to be comfortable. “I almost didn’t get there in time, Buck. You were barely conscious.” He breathes, tucking his face into Buck’s neck. It’s the opposite of what their hugs are usually like. Despite being shorter, being in Eddie’s arms usually makes Buck feel small in the best way possible. This, Eddie curling into him and holding on for dear life, making himself as small as possible, makes Buck’s chest ache. 

“I knew you’d come,” Buck repeats. “You said so, on the radio. And you did, and I’m okay. I’m sorry, Eddie, I’m so sorry. But it’s okay, now. I’m right here.” 

Buck had heard every word Eddie said. He’d wanted to call back, tell him it was okay, that he didn’t have to say anything because Buck already knew. He always knew. He knew he had a place with Eddie even if he didn’t belong with his own family. Did he struggle with knowing he was loved? Yeah, but his team left him no room for doubt. Eddie left him no room to question his love, not when he gave Buck a home, gave Buck Christopher, gave him more than Buck could ever thank him for. 

Eddie breaks in his arms, sobbing against Buck’s shoulder. Buck breaks with him, wishing he could hold him together by sheer force of will. But he can’t, no matter how hard he tries, so he just holds Eddie through it, blinking away tears of his own. 

“I can’t lose you,” Eddie mumbles after a few minutes, letting go enough to lean back and look at Buck. “Okay? You promised me together or not at all.” 

Buck nods and leans his forehead against Eddie’s for a split second before he smiles. “Together or not at all,” he echoes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.” 

_I’ll be right here for as long as you want me._

“You heard me on the radio,” Eddie says, using one hand to cup Buck’s jaw, thumb brushing over his skin. 

“Everyone heard you, Eddie.”

“Buck,” Eddie warns, eyes locking in on Buck’s. “You heard me.” 

Buck nods, dropping his hands to rest on Eddie’s hips, fingers sliding under his shirt to press against his warm skin. “I heard you.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to say,” Eddie says, breath fanning over Buck’s lips with how close they are. “I’m sorry the circumstance wasn’t different.” 

Buck shakes his head and pulls Eddie in until they’re chest to chest. “You’re apologizing for telling me you love me?” He chuckles. 

“No, I’m just –” 

“Eddie, stop.” Buck cuts him off. “I… the circumstances don’t matter. What does matter is that we’re both here, we’re both alive, and I’m _so_ in love with you.” 

Eddie looks at him blankly for a second before a smile spreads on those gorgeous features, lighting his eyes up, making them sparkle in the dim light of the kitchen. “You are,” he says, and it’s not a question. It’s a fact, simple as saying that the sky is blue. It’s unwavering, unchanging, indisputable. 

“And I’ll always fight to come home to you and Christopher. To my family.” 

Kissing Eddie is better than Buck could have ever dreamed, and when Eddie’s sighing into his mouth, Buck knows his home was never in Philadelphia and that it doesn’t matter if his parents give a damn. Because here, in Eddie’s arms, he’s more at home than he’s ever been. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for your sweet comments and your kudos! i hope you guys loved reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it

**Author's Note:**

> i'm fueled by kudos and comments to please validate me also if you guys want a second chapter of the aftermath let me knowwww :) come yell at me on tumblr @spiritsontheroof


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